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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sexuality isn't about Sex

I belong to a group on facebook of mostly ex-Mormons. It has been the most amazing, loving, supporting group. They have ALL helped me tons! Angie wrote about the group here. This morning someone posted these questions. I shared them on the board, but I'd like to share them here too.

-Have you changed opinions regarding sexual practices or activity such as pornography or masturbation, or simply become more open about your previous lifestyle?
I always believed that pornography was not the problem. Back then, I believed it was a symptom of a larger problem. I still believe that is true... But my definition of porn has changed. It used to be anything sexual at all was considered pornographic... Now, porn is only the violent degradation of women: Depicting them as objects rather than as people. I don't demonize anyone who looks or participates... I just wonder how it affects women and men who forget that other people have emotions and feelings. With Larry, I FELT like I was just an object to be used when he wanted to get off, and ignored otherwise. Anything that feels like that is harmful.

I started cutting when I was only 7... to stop myself from masturbating. It took me 23 years to see the connection of why I started hurting myself. When I was going through therapy to heal from sexual abuse, ALL of the books talk about learning to "please yourself" first. Several therapists suggested it as a way to deal with flashbacks and pain of body memories. Between the guilt and the fear that had been there since I was a kid, and the belief that it was wrong... I could not.

Now I see nothing wrong with a person masturbating. If it is compulsive, interferes with life, or there is a lot of guilt and shame attached to it, there is a problem. It seems to me like a natural release. (And guilt and fear still tell me "I could never!" I still have a hard time touching my own arms, because of the pleasure I feel. I'm working on it...)

-Are there 'things' you have done since departure that you would never have done while an active member?
I live with a man who is not my husband... Not sexually involved, but the guilt of "appearing evil" would have kept me from having a friendship with a man... I was taught that nothing should come before my husband and my marriage. In order to keep that marriage alive, I had to eliminate all friendships, wants, desires, hobbies, hopes, dreams, etc... In my mind, my ability to see me as a person, an individual, a woman with her own wants, is ALL part of my developing sexuality.

-Are you more liberal in your views of homosexuality and bisexuality than you were previously or simply more open?
I am both more liberal and more open. Prop 8 was a big deal for me. I didn't like it, but I felt like if I just prayed harder, I could understand... When prop 8 was overturned, and I felt like that was a good thing, it was a sign to me that I had really moved on from the church.

-Big one, what are your previous and current views on monogamy?
I don't believe in marriage, but I think I do believe in a monogamous sexual relationship. I believe I need to have the freedom to come and go in a relationship... as long as it is healthy and beneficial for me, I will stay. As long as it is not, I won't. And I want anyone I care about to have the same freedom.
I believe that the instant I put my happiness in someone else's hands, I will die. I will trust only me with my happiness.
When I do decide to add sex to a relationship, if that ever happens, I want it to be something talked about often... and just because we have sex doesn't mean that then we are tied together forever... same freedoms apply. I will NOT be someone else's property. Ever.
I have LONG believed sex is what a "strong" person does TO a "weak" person. That is one of the reasons I have had no interest. I haven't wanted to hurt someone else, like I have been hurt. (And I hated the being hurt side too.)

This is something I am still working out in my head.

-Finally, what bad decisions and good decisions regarding sexuality in any form have you made since departure?
I haven't really made any decisions, so there haven't been any to BE good or bad.

As I read back over my answers, I realize the most powerful thing (for me) I said was, "My ability to see me as a person, an individual, a woman with her own wants, is ALL part of my developing sexuality"

I remember a conversation with Jen... I asked her how she "knew" she was lesbian. I shared that I am terrified of men, but I don't feel attraction to women. Her words were amazing, and I still think about them often.

She talked about learning to love herself. Then learning to love everyone else. And then she could wake up to the love that had been a secret inside her. She pointed out that she loves men, she just doesn't want to have sex with them. At the time, I was so anxious to figure out my own sexuality... I needed to KNOW, so I could give myself the right label and "move on."

Her words inspired my post on being asexual. I don't have to have sex with anyone. I just get to be me... whatever that looks like, whoever that is.

As I've relaxed, and not needed to KNOW... I have found amazing peace. I am learning to love myself. Find my wants. Needs. Desires. Hopes. Dreams. See myself as an individual. As a woman. It feels good.

7 comments:

  1. Wow. Amazing post. I'm in awe of the honesty and the respect and the care in this post. You have my full attention.

    It all boils down to learning to love yourself doesn't it? Everything else is a ramification of that...

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  2. I echo J G-W's sentiments exactly. VERY profound, open, and honest. I loved your statement "I believe that the instant I put my happiness in someone else's hands, I will die. I will trust only me with my happiness."So powerful.

    Happy day!

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  3. I've said it before and I'll keep on saying it... BRAVA!
    I felt breathless and sad when I read "I have LONG believed sex is what a "strong" person does TO a "weak" person."
    I did a happy dance when I read, "In my mind, my ability to see me as a person, an individual, a woman with her own wants, is ALL part of my developing sexuality."
    And I cried with joy when I read, "I am learning to love myself." I think you'll understand why I cried on that one...
    I love you, Jen. Thank you for speaking out.

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  4. J G-W - Thank you. And thanks for visiting!

    author - I got that thought from a book. (Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz) And I completely agree. I hold my happiness in my hands. :) Happy day right back at you!

    Angie- I love you. And yes, I totally understand why you cried. Thanks for being part of my journey!

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  5. Some times, the act of "self pleasuring" is seen as a willful rejection of "obedience to God's word". I believe that it can be much more than that. I believe that the act of self pleasuring, especially for one who has come from a background of abuse and where abusers have anchored sexual feelings with violence, can be a way to heal, in a healthy way, internally, sexually, spiritually and emotionally.

    If a person has self-awareness and is seeking to break the patterns of the past abuse, learning to love one's self, through kind and gentle self-pleasuring, can be healing on so many levels. One understands her own body better. One understands the emotions and feelings associated with sexual stirrings better. One understands how to nurture and love herself, instead of hurting and violating herself, as has been done to her so deeply and obtrusively in the past.

    Sometimes, there is a bigger picture for the "act of self-pleasuring". Sometimes, it becomes a way to heal from very real harm and hurt.

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  6. Duck, This is incredibly powerful, and SO important... I love what you wrote here.

    Thank you!!!!

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  7. Jen, (I seem to have lost your e-mail.) I have decided to post the contents (a few words have been changed) of the e-mail I sent you regarding your post (I will post it tomorrow). I have linked it to your post- thank you for giving me permission to do that. Thank you for sparking so many thoughts in me about the issues you have brought up here.

    Love and respect, always. Duck

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