tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25212568169746061642024-03-05T19:24:54.982-07:00Only a little Sugar-CoatedI've survived a lot of crap. I've made some dumb choices. I've experienced amazing miracles.
<br>Most people will never know about any of that.<br>Most of my life I live completely sugar-coated, smiling, happy, and hiding.
<br>I really want people to know Me. Without the facade. <br>But I fear I'm not ready for people to know all of me. <br>So, for now, here I am, with just a little sugar-coating.jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.comBlogger593125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-38918833703478933702018-10-07T16:04:00.001-06:002018-10-07T16:04:35.267-06:00Moving forward sometimes looks like doing what you’ve always done. I made the decision to go to the gym this morning. Everything inside wanted to curl up and hide and somehow disappear at the thought of walking back into the gym. I’ve never felt unsafe before. I have head phones in, I get on the elliptical or stretch and then leave. Today felt different. I felt hyper alert. Looking at every person that walked or moved anywhere near me. I had to take my head jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-39790228344460424432018-10-06T13:36:00.000-06:002018-10-06T13:36:08.822-06:00#MeToo #sorrynotsorry Finding my anger, but not really ready to sit with it. This whole Sam Young, Protect LDS Children combined with Brett Kavanaugh, don’t believe survivors, believe them (but don’t give a damn), shit going on around me has broken me a little (or a lot).
In therapy, I’ve been trying to work on allowing myself to feel anger without any form of dissociating. It has been difficult. Mostly, I feel a little angry. I shake a tiny bit. And then I shit down andjenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-83871874600500226962018-05-22T14:54:00.000-06:002018-05-22T15:03:12.194-06:00Broken in the right direction (EMDR therapy session)Since my last therapy session, I have felt a little fragile. At one point I told Todd, "I think Wendy broke me."
He replied, "Yes, did she break you in the right direction though?"
I had another session today. Before I got there, I was debating what direction to take the session in. Do I need to slow down and give myself a break? Or just push forward and deal with whatever comes?
I chose to jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-37669720908260783792018-05-14T13:30:00.001-06:002018-05-14T13:30:37.025-06:00PTSD Processing: What it looked like for me yesterday.PTSD symptoms have been stronger lately. I don't know if it's EMDR therapy, or doing the Mormon Stories interview, or just my brain saying, "Hey! Let's deal with this stuff some more!".
Probably a combination of it all.
It kind of sucks, and I also know how to cope and move through it and that usually after I get through rougher times like this, I usually have processed more and am changed for jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-76718839612356963042018-05-10T12:23:00.000-06:002018-05-10T12:29:51.636-06:00My Mormon Stories interview experienceI recently did an interview for the podcast Mormon Stories.
I'm not sure what I expected. I wanted for Todd to be able to share what it was like to be the bishop and be torn in two directions: a wife that wanted him to stay home and take care of her, and the responsibility he felt to take care of and care for his ward members. I wanted him to have a chance to talk about what it felt like beingjenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-2835104645425661862018-05-10T10:39:00.003-06:002018-05-10T10:40:10.216-06:00What you're saying is, I'm like a horse? (A therapy session with horses)This post and my next post are going to be out of order of the way they happened in my life... I had a therapy session two days ago that is still kicking my butt. I feel like I have to write about it, so that maybe I can move through it more quickly and more effectively.
Also, a trigger warning for this one. Sexual abuse and stuff. I don't go into detail, but I list some of the memories I was jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-60096739023762988012018-05-02T09:19:00.000-06:002018-05-10T09:20:34.128-06:00EMDR and Horses - just another session. This is how I process past traumas.I haven't written about therapy sessions for a while... I've continued doing EMDR with horses. It continues to seem almost magical to me. The nice thing seems to be that I easily compartmentalize therapy. When I am with Wendy and the horses, I experience emotions, flashbacks, and memories. Then I leave, and they mostly stay there and I enjoy the rest of my life.
As I drive to therapy, my hands jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-61398545748688290152018-03-06T18:30:00.002-07:002018-03-06T18:30:59.649-07:00My Return and Report: "How do we interact with loved ones or associates who once embraced the gospel, but have become less active?"
For anyone interested, my mom gave me a report on the RS meeting. (From my post a few days ago.) The president started by reading part of my email to her and then asked the women how we can love people.
The comments were more concerned with bringing me (they didn't know it
was me, but the sister who wrote the email) back. Then it turned to
women talking about how ALL of their family were jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-7037189057254610502018-02-28T13:11:00.001-07:002018-03-02T10:39:32.369-07:00My thoughts on "How do we interact with loved ones or associates who once embraced the gospel, but have become less active?"Because I am a still a member of the LDS Church on their records, and my membership is still in a ward, I get emails from the Relief Society of that ward. I suppose I could ask to be removed, but most of the time I like reading the updates on the people that are in the ward. (They send out a prayer list that talks about what is going on for some of the people in the ward. I've known these people jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-39207828680758613962018-02-22T12:36:00.000-07:002018-02-22T12:36:55.907-07:00I won't apologize if it's not my responsibility, except, I'm really sorry you're late.I'm not exactly sure where or when this thought process came from. It's one of those things that just seems like it's always been a part of me, but I also know people aren't born believing they have to take responsibility for everything all the time.
Here's my example:
Todd had an appointment today at 10:30. It's thirty minutes away, so to be on time, he had to leave at 10. At 10:08, I looked atjenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-80657785954101321632018-01-22T14:09:00.002-07:002018-01-22T14:10:02.669-07:00It's not just toddlers who have meltdowns.Protect LDS Children has a petition going around that has recently gained traction among my believing friends. I didn't really feel like I had a dog in the fight - I don't have children, I no longer have anything to do with bishop's interviews, and I don't feel like it's my place to try to change a church I don't believe in.
Then this morning, I was reading my friend's comments about it. She is jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-82556721761459533242018-01-18T18:06:00.001-07:002018-01-19T10:34:57.313-07:00EMDR Therapy (with horses) works
I had my second session of EMDR this week. We started by talking about a moment in the present:
I realized recently when Todd is around, I ask him how to do things I am perfectly capable of doing. As I thought about it and tried to source that behavior, I came to the conclusion that it was about doing things the way he wanted. It was important to me to anticipate his needs, wants, etc. beforejenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-40679131262271478552018-01-03T11:36:00.002-07:002018-01-03T11:52:05.638-07:00The Day After EMDR TherapyMy first EMDR therapy session was yesterday morning. I left the session not sure how it helped or didn't help. By the end of the day, I felt emotionally fragile and tired. I wanted to cry, but couldn't say why... so I just let the tears flow for no reason. (This is one of those moments where I feel very grateful for the relationship I have with Todd. There is zero pressure to not cry, or to talk jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-28505936047701352792018-01-02T14:18:00.000-07:002018-01-02T14:18:06.104-07:00Equine Assisted EMDRI've been working with a human therapist and her two horses (and whatever barn cats come by) for theee years now. Working with horses has been helpful - it gets my whole body involved in processing - which seems to work a lot better than sitting on a couch talking.
Because of my chronic pain, I've been looking at EMDR. My pain has all sorts of visible and diagnosable causes, but I've stilljenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-6213173430764810312017-09-28T11:01:00.001-06:002017-09-28T15:00:24.137-06:00 Sometimes my brain sucks... stillIt's been a while since I've done an "in the moment" post. I thought it'd be a good time. PTSD recovery is like a roller coaster: intense ups followed by intense downs. Today (not really all the day, just this moment) has been a down.
You know what sucks? My brain sometimes.
I came to help guide people fly fishing. They are veterans who are part of Project Healing Waters, jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-57430884164075697182017-09-26T21:58:00.000-06:002017-09-27T12:28:24.505-06:00I am a fighter, and I am not ashamed of it
Fighter.
I've never identified as one, and definitely didn't want to be one. I wanted to be a peacemaker, kind, gentle, meek, submissive, quietly wise, and never NEVER violent.
Last week, I had physical therapy for pelvic floor issues, but she spent most of the session doing trigger point releases in my neck. During the session, my whole body started to shake and I just felt sadjenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-10981420981383630902017-09-19T21:50:00.000-06:002017-09-26T21:59:17.734-06:00#TMI? #Endometriosis #Vestibulitis My life at the doctor update
So a quick update on my life:
I had surgery number two. The surgeon was positive he had found what was causing me pain, and that he had fixed it. Unfortunately, it still hurt.
He sent me to another specialist who diagnosed me with vestibulitis. That's when the vestibule area of the vagina becomes severely inflamed from the body attacking itself. It is usually caused by an infection. Itjenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-54752311100280583922017-04-25T15:10:00.002-06:002018-01-03T11:40:54.567-07:00EMDR, Endo, PTSD, and Trauma All of the problems (and the past) collide. Moving forward<!--[if gte mso 9]>
<![endif]-->
A few days ago, I posted this on
Facebook:
"Lest anyone think my life is
nothing but flowers, cute kids, and horses. Here is what I'm experiencing at
this moment: full blown panic attack over making a phone call.
Here's the story:
For the past couple of years, I've had several different issues that have
required many many visits to doctors.
jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-56261525980727456222017-04-25T01:49:00.003-06:002017-04-25T01:49:45.990-06:00I have all the problems. #chronicpelvicpain #endo
For years I was told my chronic pelvic pain was due to sexual abuse. There was nothing that could be done for me. Go back to therapy.
No one asked me about my pain. A couple doctors did exams and no one mentioned anything like endometriosis, vaginismus, pelvic floor dysfunction, vestibulitis or vaginitis. No mention or even checking for yeast infections or bladder infections a few of the jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-23199062024783053172017-04-09T12:32:00.001-06:002017-04-09T12:32:18.411-06:00#PTSD #rape #RomansinBritain #stillnevermissedashowLast night, I attended my little brother, Justin's play The Romans in Britain. (okay, it's probably The director's play or SUU's play, but all plays are Justin's plays in my mind, so.... anyways).
The whole play is about imperialism and the effects of imperialism.
Because of my own life history, what affected me the most were references to rape. Justin warned me in advance. The most jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-42277644662339222042017-02-23T15:30:00.002-07:002017-02-23T15:30:29.471-07:00I found sunshine and green and flowers in FebruaryLast year, Todd's granddaughter's school had a raffle.
$20 for the price of the ticket, and he won two round trip tickets to anywhere Jet Blue flies.
We flew to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, and then got on a cruise ship.
We sailed to Honduras, Belize, and two stops in Mexico. Then back to Ft. Lauderdale, where we got stuck for two days. (Winter storms cancelled our flight, so we stayed in Florida.jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-32955394174569686602017-01-15T16:23:00.000-07:002017-01-15T16:23:11.204-07:00#ACA #Obamacare Getting Political (Again)
A few years ago when the Affordable Care Act was passed, I wrote a blog post wondering how it would affect me. After all, I was the target audience. I was "uninsurable". I was middle class. I had gone without health insurance since I was 18. When I looked into joining the high risk pool, it was $1000 to insure just me. I was worried I was going to be asked to pay for insurance at that price, jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-84287314138925925782016-11-07T12:01:00.001-07:002016-11-07T12:01:11.884-07:00Surgery #2 - maybe this one will do the trick? #Endometriosis #pelvicpain So... I'm back on the couch.
I had a hysterectomy along endometriosis excision surgery in December 2015. Recovery didn't go quite like I wanted. I did get immediate relief from some symptoms, but I was also in pain.
I tried pelvic floor physical therapy. I didn't notice any improvement in my pain. I learned that I don't have constantly tight muscles. I am capable of relaxing and tensing. I jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-90320756603955481872016-08-03T01:06:00.000-06:002016-08-04T14:27:52.362-06:00Writing just to be writing #PTSDrecovery #EndoRecoveryI haven't been blogging much.
For a while it was because life was good, and I didn't feel like writing.
Then I had surgery, and I thought life would be good and it wasn't as good as I wanted, and I was a little ashamed at how sad and discouraged I felt.
And then a few days ago, I sat down and wrote about what I was feeling: all of it. (It turns out there is a technical therapeautic term for jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2521256816974606164.post-71761498233211459582016-07-26T14:41:00.000-06:002016-07-26T14:41:24.210-06:00It's all true. #reallife #PTSDrecovery #endometriosis #depressionYesterday, I went fishing. I posted a picture on Facebook of a beautiful cutthroat trout I caught. The picture shows his impressive coloring and length. The picture doesn't show much of my face, because despite the fact that I had just caught a 26" cut throat trout in a small lake in some of the most beautiful country there is, I had just been fighting back tears, because I was tired and jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14191688082941672114noreply@blogger.com7